Finally I have a proper flight ticket, a proper receipt, and that’s not thanks to the Korean travel agent.

At first, when I left Korea, I was supposed to go back home today in a TAM Airlines flight. Ki -the travel agent – sent me an email friday saying there was a problem and after pushing him hard I could aknowledge that my reservation was canceled by the air company and he couldn’t know why. But it was his responsability. So, he made me a reservation in another flight company (AIR FRANCE), but he didn’t want to pay for this new one, so he kept trying to talk to TAM over the weekend. The result was that: when TAM told him they couldn’t rebook me it was late to make a confirmation about the AIR FRANCE flight, so he put me in the waiting list – but he sent me a document saying the reservation was confirmed. Kinda lame, isn’t it? 

 I found out I was in the waiting list because I was very nervous, checking everything. I called AIR FRANCE and they said the waiting list was really delayed and the travel agent  knew about it and could never said the flight was confirmed. 

 I am lucky because my friend Paulo Pires is a travel agent also and so he helped me. We were informed that it was impossible to make to the flight today because the waiting list was really long due to snow storms in Europe and that I was probably going to stay in the airport for more than a day, loosing the conection as well. So my friend and not the travel agent called out a personal favor to his friends in AIR FRANCE and managed to put me in a confirmed safe flight thrusday, Christmas Eve. For that I had to pay the alteration fine. It cost me 25 euros. I had a flight ticket to go from Lisbon to London to catch the AIR FRANCE flight. This ticket would cost me about 115 euros to make a change to 24/12 because of the alteration penalty. So, I used my personal miles to buy another ticket from Lisbon to London and paid 45 euros for the taxes. Ki can get a reimburse for this ticket, about 80 euros (I checked this amount with the air company; the reimburse goes to Ki, because his travel agency paid for this, that’s the rule). 

 It was the most despicable mess. I have all the emails I sent to my coordinator at CPI program and Ki about this subject, and my first contact was in August. I tried for a long time to make the changes without hurry, because I knew this could be a problem. I told: “if we do that right now it is going to be easy, but if we take time it is going to be too close to the end of the year and we could have problems”. And I also always said: “I just need to be home by Christmas. We can adjust the dates, but I need to be home by Christmas”. And I paid 728.000 won to him, as he asked, to pay taxes and fares, exactly to avoid this.

 In the end all the problems I announced happened. Unnecessarily. I had to deal with the problems by myself, with the help of my friend and his friends. I had unexpected extra costs, I had worries and headaches, and I don’t get to be at home by Christmas. 

 I left Korea owing KLTI 180.000 won for the apartament service bills. My costs due to this mess were 70 euros + 80 euros of the lisbon-london flight I had to use my miles. That makes 150 euros or 254000 won. So, I think that now, instead of sending them the money as I negotiated, they should ask Ki for the money I owed. If we were going to be fair, I should even get the 74.000 won difference back, but I don’t care anymore. I just don’t want to have more losses.

For an oficial government program, this is surely a bad finale.

Minha origem é verde e amarela

Meu coração é verde

E eu guardo em mim uma alma dourada…

Que aqueça, agasalhe, aninhe todo frio que entrar pela porta…

Eu estou cá. Com um pouquinho de pressa, sem muito tempo, mas quero dizer que com cinco minutos de Lisboa o taxista e guarda de trânsito do aeroporto foram extremamente grosseiros e eu imediatamente entendi: “ok, seis meses na Coréia, uma semana em Amsterdão, agora se prepara, filha, que você vai voltar pro Brasil, que saiu daqui ó”. Ó pá. Rossine uma vez me disse quem em todas as suas andanças pela Europa o único lugar onde ele olhou e disse “ah, tá, eu vim daqui” foi Portugal. E se antes eu podia intuir que ele estava certo, agora eu sei. Mas quer saber? Tem grosseria, tem burocracia, tem estupidez, mas tem emoção, transtorno, externalização. E eu estava precisando disso urgentemente. Então, que venha mais Lisboa! A gente ainda tem tempo de se apaixonar.

Make this addition: six months fasting pot + eight days running after the six months. I don’t get much to say right now. I barely know what to do, besides drinking and smoking. I know how to walk around the city, I almost never use the tram, unless it is extremely far or cold, when I feel I can’t walk the way. 

I really don’t know if I’ll be able to actually go for a museum, but the thing is, I don’t care. I know I should’ve, but I like to do things my way… I like that I already have some favorite spots, and beers and coffee shops and especific kinds of joints… that’s me, locally doing nothing.

Yeah, I should’ve been posting my last accomplishments, but I can’t. I don’t know exactly why, but I felt no urge of doing that the last few days. And I have some good stories to tell that I’ll probably post later, the finish the cycle. But the thing is… I’m a little bit odd these days. 

I’m amazingly happy to leave Korea, going to Europe, coming back home… but even if it wasn’t the best time of my life, it was my life for six months. Perhaps some of the latest happenings (men related), at the same time gave me some leverage and got me back to the not so good hooking up scenarium. Hooking up is awesome once it is happening but most of the times it leaves you scars… some minor, some deep. I think I got both kinds last week and it made me uncontent and it is reflecting in my farewell. 

But, suck it up, I have to cope with it. And I have to let it go, and I have to say goodbye.

Goodbye Korea, goodbye Seoul. I’m leaving in 12 hours. I have a lot to think about you. We are so different! And yet I can say I made friends… some on the last call, that’s a shame, but I will still take them with me. 

Perhaps, Korea, we will meet again. I don’t know. And being truth to us, it is not an eagerness. But I know life is bigger than us, and if it took me here once maybe it’ll bring me twice. And we did good, didn’t we? We are a hook up that went bad but we managed to make it nice. That’s a huge accomplishment, don’t forget. I promise I won’t.

Take care. Have my love.

In 36 hours it is not going to be Scorpio anymore. That’s fine, amazing Sagittarius will start. I am Sagittarius, and that means my birthday is very near, which always make me happy. I’m one of these people that like their own birthday. No dissimulation, no escaping, no playing it cool: I love to be remembered and congratulated.

However, dear Scorpio, I’ll miss you again for a whole new year. I’ll miss your controverse, your making me crazy, I’ll miss all the good stuff you bring to me.  I have this fantastic configuration where I don’t have a astral hell. Regarding to my Mercury, Venus and Mars, all in Scorpio, when everybody else is facing the hardest days of their astral cicle, I’m having fun. What a fun! With you I get through psicopaths and lovefools…

Only 36 more hours and you will be gone. I just hope I can make it nicely until I meet you again.

With all my love and gratitude,

See you next year.

Quanto tempo será preciso até que eu reconheça as marcas que deixaste em mim? Ou, será que elas existirão? Memórias e marcas podem ser consideradas uma mesma entidade?

Há viajantes que retornam com a alma modificada.  Carregam o caminho feito tatuagem e em cada curva das linhas podem apontar um momento crucial, hospedeiro da virada, onde a partir de então encantou-se o espírito que se tornou diferente.

Eu acredito que continuo a mesma. Em lugar de mudanças encontrei só continuidades. Reforcei velhos hábitos, cultivei velhos defeitos, e por redução sócio-psicológica ao confrontar o Eu no Outro , permaneci. 

Perguntei-me várias vezes se resisti a ti, se evitei-te os efeitos, as empreitadas. Tenho certeza que não. Não sou dada a impeditivos e mesmo em dores ou dificuldades estive disposta aos teus favores. Assim também foste tu: disponível e anfitriã, fácil nos mercados de rua, infinita nos coffee shops, irrepreensível no transporte público, inacreditável na velocidade da internet. Somos colegas, tu e eu, mas por que não nos tornamos amigas? A falta é minha, é tua, das duas? Ou não é de ninguém? Incompatibilidade de gênios seria a alegação do nosso divórcio amigável? E seremos então sem marcas, sem filhos, sem frutos? Seremos tu e eu menos que uma morna lembrança? Quando é que iremos saber?

Gostaria de descobrir impensados afetos silenciosamente construídos entre nós; mas se fomos honestas por todo nosso trajeto, não posso agora mentir para ti. Eu não os vejo e não imagino onde poderiam se esconder. Mas ainda assim espero… espero que o futuro gargalhe de nós e exiba com obviedade um laço, um diligente e enfeitado laço que nos una, além do espaço-tempo.

Todo modo, obrigada. Cumprimo-nos. E tu foste meu primeiro lar fora de casa. Mas… quero casa. Quero os meus. E espero devolver-te intacta àqueles que são teus. 

안녕히계세요 서울 시. Com toda a polidez que te é característica, 안녕히계세요.

Painting from 홍지윤

Não há verbo de amor que eu já não tenha te dito

Nem voto de amizade que eu não tenha vertido

E mesmo assim

Só a distância te trouxe pra perto de mim. 

Dei-te poderes por ti indeferidos

Cruzei minh’alma

Atravessei meus pântanos

Atentei jogos de erros e acertos

Por ti, nunca deflagrados.

Sinto que sou eu mesma, mas também um outro alguém,

Alguém esculpido nos amargores e nas doçuras

De um amor ao mesmo tempo vivo e fundamentalmente platônico.

Eu sou quem sempre fui e sou quem me tornei

E de um jeito torto porém definitivo

Eu sou uma mulher

Que amou um homem

A mesma ontológica mulher que ao longo de milênios de civilização

Amou o mesmo ontológico homem…

E por ser todas elas, cada uma delas,

Nem sou-me mais: sou apenas alguém que perfaz a ontologia

Que reside em histórias e habita as lendas

Que perpetuam no mundo os sonhos de amor.

Eu esgotei as ilusões calidamente, sem lástima

Gastei em ti alguns preciosos momentos, com satisfação

Adquiri um certo discernimento

Que ironicamente não saberia apontar

Mas que por labuta e devoção verdadeira fez-me mais forte.

A felicidade é uma dádiva não necessariamente abrangente

Mas ela não consegue me escapar.

Identifico-a em cada esquina, cada dobra, em toda cavidade,

E se ela não me é plena

Tampouco consegue me contornar.

Sou aparato que rebate, anteparo do espírito, instrumento da existência, insistência do ardor,

E se reconheço a tristeza, hóspede recorrente,

Dela também reconheço a medida do bom, a delícia do afável, 

A natureza em mim abençoada do medo corajoso,

Que rasga as carnes e sangra o sangue

Mantendo um coração latente e indisciplinado

Que não vai ser desperdiçadamente ressecado

Pela ausência de retribuição.

Eu aceito o que a vida me dá e isto não é conformismo. 

Quero mais: isto é fato;

Mas também quero os pequenos presentes,

Pois se há pérolas que são lançadas aos porcos

É porque há porcos capazes de apreciação.

Nem tudo são flores,

Nem todas são pérolas.

Eu sou um porco afeito de si.

There is no word of love I didn’t call

Nor vow of friendship I didn’t played

And even so

Only distance could bring you close.

I gave you powers you’ve denied

I went through my soul

I crossed my swamps

Attempted games of trial and error

For you, never consumed.

I feel like myself but also as someone else,

Someone built under bitters and sweets

Of a fundamentally platonic yet alive love.

I am the same and the one I became

And in a bent but definitive way

I’m a woman

Who loved a man

The same ontological woman who loved the same ontological man

Throughout civilization millennia.

Being all of them, each of them

I’m not myself anymore: I’m the one who walks the ontology

Who lives in story and resides on legends

The ones spreading over the world the dreams of love.

I’ve emptied my illusions warmly, no regrets

I’ve spent on you some precious moments, gladly

I’ve achieved some understanding

Which ironically I can’t point out

But out of labor and true devotion it made me stronger.

Happiness is a gift not necessarily wide

But it can’t escape from me.

I notice it in every corner, every fold, and all hollows,

And if it is not full in me

Neither is able to come around.

I’m a countering apparatus, spirits’ bulkhead, existence’s instrument, ardour’s instancy,

And if I acknowledge the sadness, applicant guest,

I also acknowledge its length of good, delight of kindness,

My innate blessing of courageous fear,

Tearing my flesh apart and bleeding my blood

Keeping a stubborn and latent heart

Refusing to be wastefully dried

For the absence of reply.

I take what life gives me and that’s not conformism.

I want more: that’s for a fact;

However I still want the small gifts,

For pearls are still cast before swine

It’s because some swine can relish.

Not everything is precious,

Not everyone is pearl.

I’m a swine fond of itself.

Mastigo lágrimas não vertidas

Sem saber muito bem o porquê.

Esse soro inato em mim tão fácil,

Afeito a saltos contumazes de fé,

Avisa-me que não me renda, que os engula,

Pois que querem marinar meu espírito e não vazar

Como um dique tolamente rompido.

A montanha é alta e seu trajeto  inóspito

Como minúsculos trabalhos de Hércules

Que no final laureiem o herói.

Eu caminho os meus passos numa subversão do que sou,

Eu persigo o próximo, e o um e depois outro um,

Na quantificação de que o somatório me alcance o cume.

Mas eu não o olho, não o busco, 

Pois que ele talvez não me aconteça. 

O destino é árduo e eu inepta

E acreditar que perfarei toda a vereda

É uma veleidade da minha alma.

A mesma veleidade que me forja as lágrimas

As quais, em face à conquista do cume,

Exigem-me retê-las, que não se querem verter.

I eat unweeped tears

And I quite don’t know why.

This innate syrup so easy in me

Used to daring leaps of faith

Advises me not to surrender

And swallow it up

For they want to sauce my soul and not to leak

As a silly broken dike.

The mount is high and its path inhospitable

As tiny labors of Hercules about to laurel the hero.

I walk my steps in a subversion of who I am,

I chase the next, the one and the other one,

Quantifing that the sum gets me to the summit.

But I don’t look at it, I don’t look for it,

For it may never happen to me.

The destiny is tough and I’m inept

And believing I might make it through

Is a caprice of my soul.

The same caprice that forges my tears,

The ones that facing the top

Demand me to withhold, because they don’t want to shed.